hi my name is maxine and i have a son of 13 who is autistic.he got diagnoszed late in life he was 10.he did get diagnoszed with other special needs from 20 months onwards.the thing is i love my son to bits and in some ways i wouldnt change a hair on his head cos then he wouldnt be daniel.i feel very lucky to have him and i see him as a gift from g-d.having said that i feel an inner conflict with in myself.i struggle sometimes to make sense of my life with dan.i sometimes feel angry resentful frustrated isolated stressed and like a failure cos i dont always react to my sons behaviour like i should.mostly i am calm but sometimes i get so mad i feel like shouting at him why cant behave like everybody else.i havent shouted that at him but sometimes i get so wound up by the ignorant nasty people who have the cheek to call themselves human beings.i dont always cope with my sons autisim in the right way nor do i cope with it in a positive way and to have to cope with other people staring and their judgements is harsh and a daily struggle for me.i also feel guilty as sometimes when my son is acting abit odd shall we say i feel embarrased as it draws attention to us when we are out.i feel that i have no right to feel this way and i should just get on with it and control my feelings.sometimes i lay awake at night and worry what will happen to dan when i am no longer around as i am the pilot of my own plane and i am all dan has.he is not allowed to see his dad as his dad is a danger to him.i went through courts for six years.so please can some one anyone tell me that what i am feeling is normal and that i need not hang my head in shame for being the worst mum on the planet.thank you for listening to me .
love maxine