just another rant

By MamaKiki on Fri, 02-03-12, 16:36

Posted in Group:

I am feeling very agitated at the moment. A comment i made on facebook got thrown in my face. (Please note, this was not even a status, just a comment.) I mentioned wanting to get a tattoo for my step-son, with his name on a puzzle piece ribbon. This is something that would be very important to me. A few members of my family brought up the fact that I'm not working and have no money coming in, and that I should put my money into things I need, not a tattoo. I told them that I can see where they're coming from, but the way I see it, if we take care of all the really important stuff with our tax returns (wedding things, phone bill, and motorcycle care), and still have enough left over, why not get the tattoo? We don't have food to worry about, because we have food stamps, and we don't have rent to worry about, because we are living with my parents, and we are working on finding jobs, and in a few months, we are moving to Mississippi. I never said I was dead set on getting it. Just that if there was enough money left over, I want to.

My future father-in-law called my fiance today and scolded HIM for my facebook comment. Firstly, because he said it shows priority issues, and he said he doesn't "get the whole tattoo thing", and that I shouldn't be telling everybody on facebook that we are on food stamps, because it doesn't present a good image. He then compared me to my fiance's crazy ex-wife due to my "irresponsibility".

I am SO HEATED!!! Up to this point, I have always gotten along with my future father-in-law. Granted, I have known from the get-go that I have to present a certain face to him, because he is one of those super judgmental religious types. Clearly, my desire to get another tattoo does not sit well with him in the first place. And I will reiterate, I DO see where he's coming from with the money stuff. I DO realize that odds are, we WON'T have the extra money for me to get a tattoo anyway. Because despite what he thinks, I do NOT have priority issues, and I am NOT irresponsible, and I am NOTHING LIKE my fiance's ex-wife. I think what has me most heated, is that I was compared to somebody who was never anything but a negative influence on my fiance and their son, somebody who was neglectful and abusive to both of them, who spent all my fiance's money before he could even earn it, because she felt entitled, and thought he was a piece of scum, and didn't appreciate what she had. I do not even come CLOSE to comparing to her, and frankly, I am extremely hurt that he would say something like that. On top of that, I'm disgusted by what he said about me posting that we're on food stamps. Why should I feel shame for that? We are unemployed. People know this. We had to move in with family. People know this. How does it mess up our "image" that we are on food stamps? For that matter, why do we need an "image" that isn't reality? I'm sick of feeling that I can't be myself in front of certain people. I understand not wanting to offend somebody, but I don't see how me being on food stamps would offend anybody. And another thing: Why did he need to call my fiance, to complain about ME? That isn't fair to my fiance. That is added stress that he didn't need.

I am really trying to let this go. I know that dwelling on it will do me no good. My fiance warned me early on that his father and step-mother are judgmental people, and that he himself is not particularly close to either of them for that very reason. This is the reason why he did not tell his father when we moved out of our apartment and into my parents house, because he didn't want to hear what his father would have to say about it. This is the reason he still has not told his father that we are moving back into his mother's house this summer, because he doesn't want to hear what his father will have to say about it. At first, I didn't understand why he wasn't keeping his father updated on what was going on with us, but I'm beginning to get it. What's really sad is, this is the first time his father has bothered to call him in over a month, even though he knew FULL WELL that we may or may not be able to keep our apartment. He calls my fiance, for the first time in a month, to scold him about something I said on facebook. REALLY????

At this point, I just feel really hurt and frustrated and angry. I want to get on facebook and post a comment defending myself, but my fiance has advised me against it. He told me to just let it go, and not say anything else about the tattoo on facebook, until such time as I actually have it. I guess that's probably the best course of action. It just leaves me feeling wronged, and like I'm bottling things up, and like somebody I previously respected is both no longer respectable, and also has less respect for me, which I feel is completely undeserved, and I can't even defend myself. How am I supposed to get past this mental hick up without saying anything to his father?

Login or register to post comments
0 Support

By MamaKiki on Sat, 02-04-12, 17:34

Ok, I've gotten a bit of fresh perspective from friends, and from a really good book. First of all, it's my body, my money, and if it's a mistake to get the tattoo, it's my mistake. And if it isn't a mistake, and I never regret it, then I win. It doesn't matter what anybody else thinks of me for doing it. It may be my father-in-law's opinion that getting a tattoo right now would be irresponsible, and he is entitled to his opinion, but it is just that.....an opinion. I cannot define myself, or base my actions, on anybody else's opinions but mine.

Following a similar train of thought, my life is mine only to live. If another person does not approve of what I'm doing, that's their problem, not mine. They are the ones who have to deal with their emotions. The only way somebody else's opinions, thoughts, words or actions can upset me, is if I let it.

Last night, I let my father-in-laws opinion (That I am like my fiance's ex wife and that I am should hide that I'm on food stamps) upset me. When I got down to the root of the issue, it only upset me because I decided to care. He may think I am like my fiance's ex wife. I don't. I know that the truth is that I am nothing like her. I know that the truth is, I am not ashamed to be on food stamps. I don't have to explain myself to him. I don't need to defend myself. I don't need to prove anything. I know the truth of the situation in my heart, and that's what matters.

So, I have made the conscious decision to be over it. I matter to me more than him. And that doesn't mean I can't still be polite with him, or even that I can't occasionally enjoy his company. He isn't a bad person. I won't even say he is wrong, because in his mind, I'm sure he feels completely justified. And that is fine, but it doesn't matter to me. And if he ever brings it up to me (rather than going to my fiance to complain about me) I will do my best to explain that to him in the least offensive way possible.

Support Points: 1035

Badges

Offline

By newyorkrocks on Thu, 03-15-12, 00:31

MamaKiki

I Know exacatly How you feel. I have a Brother that does the same thing to me. Apparently You cant want anything if your on employed which i am. You Cant even Try to do a fundraiser for a trip you would like to take cause apartently according to him. You Cant Do a Fundraiser inless you have a Job. My Brother Drives me Crazy.

NewYorkrocks

Support Points: 710

Badges

Offline

By newyorkrocks on Thu, 03-15-12, 00:31

MamaKiki

NewYorkrocks

Support Points: 710

Badges

Offline

By MamaKiki on Thu, 03-15-12, 08:33

What's even worse is, I have had several people tell me that we should postpone our wedding until we're both working. In this economy, that could take YEARS! And we have family that is perfectly willing to help us along until we are employed. I hate that people think you should put all your wants on hold until you have income. I understand that not having money means you can't always get what you want, but that shouldn't mean you can't still want it, and you can't work toward getting it. It isn't fair.

Support Points: 1035

Badges

Offline

By newyorkrocks on Thu, 03-15-12, 17:17

I dont think that you should Postpone your wedding. I think that you should go ahead and get married. It doesnt have to cost alot. I am Glad that you have Family that will help support you. It is Nice to have Support. I too Hate it that people think just because u dont have money you cant get what you want. But there are ways to get stuff. There was one time that i really wanted a cd. But i didnt have any money. I found out that the Library had the cd so i borrowed it.

Support Points: 710

Badges

Offline

By MamaKiki on Thu, 03-22-12, 15:21

:) Thanks. We are going ahead with the wedding, and we've been able to pull it off at an extraordinarily low cost, and still make it nice. That is thanks to a lot of good friends and family gifting us things we need, or providing services free of charge as their wedding gift to us. It may mean not getting as many wedding presents, but being married to the man I love is enough of a present for me. :)

Support Points: 1035

Badges

Offline

By newyorkrocks on Thu, 03-22-12, 20:53

I am So excited for you.You deserve to be married.

Support Points: 710

Badges

Offline

By MamaKiki on Tue, 03-27-12, 13:20

:D Thank you so much, you just made my day!

Support Points: 1035

Badges

Offline

By BligoGoo on Thu, 04-12-12, 19:44

Hi MamaKiki

Bummer about that fb stuff, ya gotta be prepared for whatever comment results from one of your own. That's what fb is...an open forum where everyone will let you know what they think about whatever you post. I rather prefer honesty anyway so if I had posted what you did about a tattoo and rcvd obnoxious comments afterward, well I would've just posted something like 'hey, if you don't like what I post on my wall then don't look at it anymore.' Also, I would delete all negative posts from my wall.

Anyway, I went off on a tangent, what I want to say to you is this....try not to take things personally no matter what is said to you because whatever is said is someone else's issue being put into words or actions. Just smile and say - that's your problem not mine. Only you can give people power over you by letting their words upset you.

I'd like to suggest a book for you that I really like THE FOUR AGREEMENTS. It's about positive thinking and not allowing negative stuff to plant itself into your thoughts.

Good luck on your wedding and on that tattoo. Sounds like it would be a nice one when you are ready for it.

~In your whole life nobody has ever abused you more than you have abused yourself. And the limit of your self abuse is exactly the limit that you will tolerate from someone else.~ "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz

Support Points: 135

Badges

Offline

By MamaKiki on Sun, 05-06-12, 15:53

Thanks! I actually have read that book, and really enjoyed it. I'd like to read it again, but I seem to have misplaced it. However, I did find a movie quote that I really liked. I don't know if you've seen "The Invention of Lying", but in that movie, nobody can lie, and the main character keeps getting berated by people. They keep telling him he's a loser, and that he can't do anything right, and that he's ugly. His response, every time, is "Well, that's only your opinion." And then he moves on. I LOVE that way of dealing with things, and now, I try to remind myself, when somebody says something potentially offensive, that's only THEIR opinion.

Support Points: 1035

Badges

Offline

The information provided on SupportGroups.com is designed to support, not replace, the relationship that exists between a patient/site visitor and his/her health professional. This information and interaction provided on this site is solely for informational and educational purposes and does not constitute the practice of medicine. Information on this site does not replace the advice of your physician or other health care provider. Neither the owners or employees of SupportGroups.com nor the author(s) of site content take responsibility for any possible consequences from any treatment, procedure, exercise, dietary modification, application of medication or any other action which results from reading this site. Always speak with your primary health care provider before engaging in any form of self treatment. Please see our Legal Statement for further information.